Does rapport seem hard to you? Does it seem like something you should do but you don’t really have time for it? Does the urgency of the to do list or project deadline take precedence over connecting with colleagues or team members?

It might sound funny to hear, but social awkwardness and anxiety is pretty common with successful leaders. Often, I will hear how they just aren’t as comfortable in social situations or as they describe it, with “small talk”.

And when something is uncomfortable, we tend to avoid it. Rapport gets put in the category of a good idea but often overlooked and undervalued.

Yet as leaders and business owners our ability to influence, to lead, to shape our work and our environment is a direct reflection of our ability to have good rapport with others.

I would argue that at the heart of all we do is our ability to have good rapport with others.

Rapport is fundamental to influence. 

Rapport determines the way people think and feel around us and sets the tone for conversations. You might say, the higher the stakes, the more important the outcome is, the more important rapport becomes.

The rapport we have with a person or a group comes from the feeling in the interaction. That feeling is a reflection of where we are coming from in our own feeling state.

I could see in myself how there was often a disconnect between my feeling and my words. I would say the right things or even look like I was listening, but my mind was somewhere else or distracted. Like the leaders above, I was often battling an internal awkwardness that I used to blame on being an introvert. And as a result, it felt like something I just had to live with.

However, as I started to learn more about the connection between the internal workings of our minds and where our feelings are actually coming from, I saw that my anxiety in the moment wasn’t coming from the social situation but from thought in the moment.

As a result, I started to get good at being uncomfortable – or good at feeling awkward. Meaning, I understood it better and as a result it naturally started to be less gripping. This is true with my clients as well.

This understanding gives all of us more freedom of mind. We are then naturally more present, connected and at ease. 

In the feeling of more comfort, presence and ease our ability to connect, have rapport and influence is increased.  

When rapport is good, there is a feeling of goodwill and warmth. When rapport is bad there is often tension, lack of presence or a guardedness in people.

Rapport is the natural outcome of our internal state of mind. By understanding what is happening: where rapport comes from and why it can feel awkward, we are able to adjust in real-time.

People resonate to our feeling. When we’re comfortable in our own skin, we are more present and help others do the same. 

As you notice this in yourself you’ll notice the tone of your interactions adjusting as well.

When we appreciate the power of rapport we lead with more influence.

Listen to this week’s video where I share about a client that could not figure out why he wasn’t able to have the kind of influence we wanted. I also share my own shift in understanding the power of rapport.