I had three different conversations this last week that seemed to point to one theme: the benefit of having a freer mind in the midst of any person's behavior. Or said another way, we don't have to change other people's behaviors to have a free and clear mind.

In each of these conversations, the individual I was speaking with felt they were absolutely justified in their feelings. A client behaving like a bully – AGAIN; a boss taking credit for their work – AGAIN;  an employee not meeting deadlines – AGAIN.

I get it. These behaviors can be frustrating, and I can see that it would be good if the other person shifted their behavior. And I also see that it might be necessary to address these behaviors.

But putting the “what should I do about it?” aside for a moment, I want to direct you to a helpful and hugely leveraged truth. When we understand this; it gives us what we need to address anyone or anything with more wisdom and clarity.

What I want to talk about today, might feel controversial, but I invite you to consider that regardless of someone's behavior we can have a free, clear, resilient and neutral mind.

Our well-being is NOT dependent on another person’s behavior. 

In each of these recent conversations the individual wanted to talk about how to “right the wrong”. But I could see they were blind to the degree to which they were each bogged down by their own state of mind.

They could not see how the quality of their own minds was creating distortion, ill-will, and adding fuel to the upset. They could not see how their reactions were impairing the quality of ideas and their ability to problem solve. They were all in a cycle of upset. And while understandable, it's also incredibly helpful to see it and understand the implications.

Where we come from, within ourselves, in any given moment has direct impact and influence to the task at hand.

Our ability to be in a situation and not have it weigh us down, or not get swept away by our reactions, gives us access to more internal resources in the moment. More creative solutions. It allows us to maintain rapport while addressing tough conversations and helps create a meeting of the minds between people.

Our feeling state – our state of mind – the quality of our minds – is coming from inside of us. It is coming from thought in the moment. We aren't experiencing the other person's behavior, we are experiencing thought.

It happens to all of us. We get reactive and then we respond from that reactivity.

It's hopeful to know that a free, clear, creative mind is possible in any situation.

It requires a couple of things…

We start to SEE how we get behind our reactions; our justifications, and our righteousness. Yep, that one is especially tough for me. When I feel ‘right' or justified, I can keep myself stirred up. But “getting behind” our upset, fuels it and we carry it around with us. It bogs us down.

The entrepreneur with the “bullying” client, was able to see that his pride and righteousness was not serving him; that reinforcing the validity of his opinion wasn't helpful and was in fact, keeping him from being able to address the client in a more impactful way. Once he saw this, he was able to step back internally. As his mind naturally cleared, he got more perspective and was able to take some helpful action. He even started to feel more compassion and understanding for the client which will go a long way in getting their rapport back on track.

Ultimately, he had two options: change the client “right the wrong” OR he could see he had the ability to be in a situation but not have it weigh on him. And from that space, move forward.

We can get hijacked by our reactions, our justifications or our righteousness. When we fuel that, or we stew on things – it creates an emotional burden.

When we see our reactions and we are less gripped by them, we naturally have more insightful and helpful thinking in the moment. All reactions pass and with it comes more perspective and clarity.

When we are less distracted by our opinions, our reactions, our justifications, we listen from a deeper gear. A more insightful place within. From a freer mind.

True freedom lies in knowing that our well-being, our quality of mind, our ability to access fresh thought, creative solutions and feelings of connection are not dependent on another person’s behavior.

The gift is knowing that our freedom of mind is available to us in any situation with any person at any time.

We are human, and we all get reactive, worried, stressed, etc. But there is power and hope in KNOWING that beneath our momentary reactions, lies our innate nature – a freer and clearer mind. 

In this week's video, I share in more depth what I've seen for myself and with the above clients as we've explored the notion that we have the potential for freedom of mind at all times and in any situation.