Do you ever feel justified for being upset, stressed, judgmental or worried? Does it look like a reasonable reaction to what is occurring in your life or in your relationships?

When people begin to understand that their experience is coming from inside of them, shaped by thought in the moment, I often get asked some form of the question, “Does this mean, I should be ok, with what is happening?” Meaning, should I just “take it” or stay in a situation that isn't working?

What you decide to do is separate from knowing that your experience of someone, or some situation, is fluid and coming from your current state of mind. Your feelings, your perspective, your options and possibilities, are all being shaped by where your head is at in any given moment.  This simple truth helps us navigate tough situations and relationships.

Our ability to have productive, higher-quality connections, as well as strong rapport and creative solutions, is enhanced via a more neutral mind—via a feeling of good-will. When we understand this, we become less tolerant of feeling ill-will, justified or not.

In other words, we no longer want a good reason to stay in a bad feeling.

The quality of our mind—the quality of our internal feeling—is our greatest leverage in any conversation or relationship. Where we seem to struggle, is when we feel “right” or justified in our opinions or our reactions.

When working with or leading others, it is common for breakdowns in communication to happen. Something goes wrong, people get reactive and they respond from that reactivity. This often leads to upset, misunderstanding, resentment, and distrust.

It's not long before both parties are in their corners, living in the midst of a reactive, upset mind, and assigning ill intent to one another. I've seen this in companies of all sizes, when leaders can't get past their reactions to resolve issues.

In fact, this is true in all our relationships. When we feel justified for an upset, stirred-up, reactive mindset, it is much harder to trust—to find common ground—or bring forth fresh possibility.

Not too long ago, I was working with a company where the communication between two leaders had become so hostile that they were unable to agree upon important client decisions. Their ability to resolve or align was completely impaired because of their feelings for one another. Their relationship, and the relationships of their teams, had deteriorated significantly.

When doing intake, each party and their teams had good reasons for their upset. They felt justified in their lack of trust and ill-will for each other. As you can imagine, this kind of mindset makes it difficult to find resolutions.

After helping them understand the role their minds were playing, they could see how they were keeping the feelings of upset alive. They also began to see that when they weren't fueling these particular feelings, they would naturally gain more perspective. In fact, as their minds settled, they started talking about each other with more understanding. They started to have more clarity, see the other person's point of view, and take accountability for their own actions.

Their willingness to show up open, and willingness to listen, created a foundation for a fresh start.

If we go into conversations with a reactive mind, holding our positions with our guards up, we do not reach new ground. We circle around and around, and real change does not sustain.

People understand this, yet struggle to let go of the past, or to let go of their reactions, because they don't want to be hurt, taken advantage of again, etc. We start to have “good” reasons for not showing up open, neutral, or in goodwill.

A popular quote from Albert Einstein says, “You can't solve a problem at the same level of thinking that created it.” This applies in relationships as well.

I've seen what happens when we are willing to show up to really tough conversations with a feeling of goodwill. The feeling alone does not predict what the outcome will be but when people come together with goodwill, strong rapport, and listen to understand, all parties arrive at the outcome with more grace and compassion.

I've seen teams and leaders become aligned and inspired; I've seen forgiveness and connection in boardrooms, and I've also seen relationships (personal & professional) end. Yet, in all those cases, when goodwill and rapport were the foundation, the outcome was derived with respect.

Feelings of goodwill set the stage for new ground, fresh perspective, and understanding. When we enter into conversations in a feeling of goodwill for the other individual, we are able to move forward with more grace and power.

From that place, what you decide to do or not do is often more aligned. Our judgement is wiser; we make better choices for ourselves, and we are able to make tough decisions with more clarity.